I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
