please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
