I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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