my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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