I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
