I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
