I wish they made helmets for livers.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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