The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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