i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
