Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
