the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
