The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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