M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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