He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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