last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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