Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
