The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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