is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
