I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
im about as happy as oj after his trial
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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