She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
