do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my vag is so smooth its legendary
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
