I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
