I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
