After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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