upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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