Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
