Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
