Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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