i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
