He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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