Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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