Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
