Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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