He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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