help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
