i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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