someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
