after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You don't make any sense
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