I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
