Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
