Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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