I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
