no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize