I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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