Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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