I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
