and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
