She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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