I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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