I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
