Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
