dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
