fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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