Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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