During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
