I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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