More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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