My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
