And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
