did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
