I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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